And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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