plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
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screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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