why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
