The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
