It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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