Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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