are you still at the devil's house?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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