Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
