this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
