she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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