dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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