i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm passing your future prison.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
