you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
