i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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