Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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