It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
