Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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