i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
