You can't motorboat a personality
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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