I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
