Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
