I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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