plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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