You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
