i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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