The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
