Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
