Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
