i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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