one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
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He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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