also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
