I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
