6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
