just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
