It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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