I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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