I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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