Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
