If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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