Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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