i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Randomize
