help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
