Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
