Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
