Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
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he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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