You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
