I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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