I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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