Where is the hickey?
my phone needs a breathalizer
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You are a genius and a whore.
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