Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
