phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
