Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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