he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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