dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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