i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
