I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
