from now on my penis is your penis
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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